Case Commandoes 21 Sept

By Mark Gilkes

Fear and Loafing in Lyme Regis

Some time ago Salmagundi Gardeners Cricket Club completed the summer with their tenth tour to Lyme Regis. Shortly after that the computer of your correspondent spectacularly crashed. Memory has faded like the summer sun… but then veracity is as common among Salmagundians as velocity. Below, then, is not, like Jeffrey Archer’s prison diaries, an attempt at fiction, but is simply a reproduction of events recorded in the scorebook at the time. Think of it as the film of the book – and bitch mercilessly about the changes…

Saturday 21st September 2002 at Uplyme Cricket Club

Weather: Sunny

Innings of Salmagundi Gardeners
J Tait ct & bwd Adam 24
M Fox lbw M Case 8
C Packham caught Adam 15
J Monahan stumped while aimlessly wandering down the wicket in the bizarre but fervent belief that a wide ball taken by the wicketkeeper is deemed to be dead Guthrie 17
M Gilkes bwd Rattenbury 19
P Sessions bwd Pigdon 66
T Monahan stumped on the last ball of the innings in a suicidal dash for that could-be-so-important last run, said run being so suicidal he had barely left his crease and had no chance of convincing anybody that Mike Stewart, despite him calling it, should be the one given run out Guthrie 18
M Stewart not out   0
L Monahan did not bat    
D Parkes did not bat    
D Hargreaves can not bat    
Extras 35
Total for 8 208

 

Innings of Case Commandoes
K Mayni bwd Pockten 14
R Wilkinson ct Monahan 12
S Case ct J Fox 12
M Case bwd J Fox 1
R Bennett ct & bwd Tom 20
M Pigden not out   42
M Robertson ct Tom Parks 26
A Boella not out   47
Extras 32
Total for 6 206

 

C Pocktem 8 1 42 1
M Fox 8 1 26 0
J Fox 8 1 43 2
J Monahan 4 0 29 1
Tom 7 0 40 1
Parks 3.1 0 16 0

 

Innings of Salmagundi in the game of pathetic attempts to be interesting enough to get written up in the report

James Tait being only marginally unable to successfully pull off his famed drag act while naked in the showers, he resorted to desperate cross-dressing attention-seeking by scalding his feet in the manner of Princess Margaret. He later unnecessarily continued the transvestite theme by cheerfully greeting the male owner of his B&B as “Fran” in full knowledge that this heterosexual couple were called Fran and Mike 87

Chris Packham parked his car with deliberation in an attempt to avoid having it struck by a cricket ball. Had his car struck by a cricket ball which ricocheted off another car 32

M Gilkes put his wallet for safe-keeping in the hands of Jane Monahan, who duly took it back to London with her £0

J Monahan confused himself and everybody else with his counting of how many players he had for the Sunday game and finished the evening with an eleven of 13

aka 11

Total 132

or 130

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